Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Your Mom - Day 67

This isn't an actual picture of my mom, but it easily could be. My mother was a lot like Augusten Burroughs' mother in Running With Scissors. Well, that's the best comparison I can think of. Mother was an amazing woman, a member of MENSA, an artist, a master gardener, a business owner (along side my father), hysterically funny (when she was "well") and commitably crazy. I grew up riding the waves of mother's magical mania, depression, psychotic episodes of schizophrenia, and multiple lengthy hospitalizations. These tumultuous times set the pace for my emotional foundation and the likely root cause of my life long battle with irritable bowel syndrome, compulsive overeating and other control related idiosyncrasies.

It's not really like me to dig up the past. But I feel like I need to lay a bit of ground work so you, my dear reader, will have a better understanding about from where I came. The good news is that I have spent the last couple of decades sorting through the first 20 odd years of my life. Mom died of a malignant melanoma when it metastasized into her lungs and brain when I was just 22. As difficult as her death was, it was also the beginning of a new life for me, one of freedom of thought and actions. It took me about ten years to get an idea about who I really was and how to start to live a normal healthy life. Fortunately, all the time spent on self help and with clergy, counselor and shrink, has been an investment that has paid good long term dividends.

So, as I've been taught by my juice feasting mentors, David & Katrina Rainoshek, (and as I have mentioned here before), one goes back in time about 120 days for each day of juice feasting. When I did the math just now, I find that this equation puts me right at the time of my mother's death. I can already feel that things are starting to get jiggy, if you know what I mean. The first two months of my juice feast have been a beautiful time of cleansing, losing unwanted pounds and of feeling high on life, as I haven't suffered from any real emotional detox like I hear so many others discussing. It's really been smooth sailing.....until the last couple of days.

For the past two nights I've had disturbing dreams and feelings of mild panic. I am not an anxious person at this point in my life, but I have suddenly felt residual anxiety smoldering around my heart and in my mind. It helps to just allow these feelings and to dissect them a bit when they come...asking myself questions like, "What are you tense about right now?" "What is the source of your anxiety?" "Where is this this fear coming from?" These kinds of questions allow me get focused on the current moment and help me to realize that these uncomfortable emotions just have to flow through me and then back out again....for what I believe to be the final time. I awoke at 4:30 am this morning, unable to sleep. I used that as an opportunity to pray and meditate. I felt a lot more balanced afterwards.

The next 33 days of this juice feast will be an interesting ride and I am looking forward to releasing and letting go of any old emotion that no longer serves my higher good.

Tuesday's Daily Juice:
1 qt. Tomatillo Salsa Verde (left over from Cinco De Mayo)
1 qt. "Cool As A Cucumber," 3 large cucumbers, juice of 3 limes, 1 cup fresh mint, 1 tbsp raw honey.
1 qt. strawberry, apple, orange and spirulina
1 qt. cucumber, celery, spinach, basil, jalapeno, onion, lime, tomatoes, Celtic sea salt


Lisa, aka Pixywinks said...

Oh, the happy emotional detox hits! I know, I know... I'll be thinking about you.
Thanks for posting all your juice concotions. You should really make a juice-feast recipe book. Maybe it could be featured item on the juice-feasting site. That would be cool!
Pixy Lisa

Dea said...

Hey dear,
emotional detox central huh? Welcome to where I live lol :)

Hey your mom sought for help,my mom was/is extremely ill and disturbed all her life and add to that a bottle of vodka a day habit and its like whoa! I keep myself distant. On the whole though we are fabulous despite how we grew up don't you think?
Love ya loads xoxo Dea

Wendi Dee said...

*HUGS* I love that you are in a better place right now to deal with any residual emotional detox. Had you not dealt with most of the issues in the past, it might be unbearable right now. We're here with you during this emotional detox, dear Penni. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. *HUGS*

My history has similarities to yours, and I'm working through the last of it right now in therapy. All of this lovely raw energy makes things move/cleanse a lot faster (which in the long run is a good thing, but it's not always easy).

I'm sending you lots and lots of love!


Judi said...

You've answered my question again. I get it now. We take these things as they come up for us and deal with them the best we can.
I was looking for a solution before the problem.
Thanks for sharing!

Penni said...

Thanks everybody for the support. Mom died before she ever got any real help. Lithium and shock treatments were all that was offered at that time. Today, I'm counting my blessings and thankful to be this far down the path towards being whole. It takes a village, as Hillary says, and I'm glad you guys are part of mine!


HiHoRosie said...

Thanks Penni for sharing your story - very honest. Hope this time is healing for you. Take care.

Lory said...

I remember your dear Mom from when we were in junior high. She (and your Dad) was always so much fun and entertaining. I'm sure she is greatly missed.

Ingrid said...

It is fascinating that the days of juice feasting count back to specific times in our lives.

You’ll get through whatever comes up and you’ll be stronger and wiser from the experience. Plus, you have positive support all around you.

S. said...

The 'Cool as a Cucumber' sounds wonderful! And I send you luck and well wishes to get through the emotional part of your journey. It can be hard, but "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Isle Dance said...

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate so much. I've tried the best I know how to figure out that relationship in my life. And though nothing has been solved, I'm grateful for having a better understanding of what used to just completely submerge me. And a better understanding of me. But does relief ever arrive without regret/guilt?

Kristen's Raw said...

Whew...great post. You're inspiring, and you and your writing are beautiful.

I love being part of your village :)

Michelle said...

I tried to comment last night but blogger was being a bugger for me.

You are doing so fabulous Penni and I know that whatever comes up for you will be dealt with in a healthy and amazing way. You are an incredible woman!

If you need any help or an ear to listen please don't hesitate to contact me. I am here for you.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

Thank you for such a moving post...I have been strangely a bit worried about you over the last few days...but I chalked it up to my own exhaustion/unrest with losing a loved one and gaining a new family member among other things. I should have trusted my feelings. Sorry to have been so dense.

The mother issue seems a strong one with many, and I am so thankful you have the courage to share the experiences you have emerged from.

Sending my XX and OO


Hanlie said...

Oh Penni! I understand in broad terms where you're coming from. My relationship with my mother and her moods is a central theme in my life. The relationship has improved, but the little girl and teenager that I used to be still need a lot of healing.

I will definitely juice feast again some time in the future...

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with us! xoxoxo
Joanna RawTn

Bunny Berry said...

If only your mom could see you now. I'm sure she would say, "Turn down the lights, you're glowing!"